Being present in our gratefulness

Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I am still determined to remain grateful in my present. One of my personal goals is being truly present, and this requires the ability to focus on the present without feeling controlled or completely influenced by the past or future.

I've started to read Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times and in the first chapter, I have already been struck by truth that has become so personal and relevant to me:

"...we cannot be in the present and run our story lines at the same time! It sounds pretty obvious, I know, but when you discover something like this for yourself, it changes you. Impermanence becomes vivid in the present moment; so do compassion and wonder and courage. And so does fear. In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point, experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time" (p. 2)

Although I could definitely take the time to focus on the vulnerable parts of being present, I am instead going to focus on those tender parts. I want to center myself on the blessings of the present, which includes, but is not limited to, the wonderful people who support me here in Atlanta.

Last week I was fortunate to have a visit from my closest friend from college, Frannie, who lives in New York. It was very meaningful for me to have some of my friends from Atlanta meet her and to watch my worlds collide. I am grateful for her visit because I was confronted with the truth that I very much have built a wonderful life down here, which includes a great support system.

So I want to take the time to make note of the specific reasons that I am thankful for the people who live with me here in Atlanta (in no particular order). I often take the time to be grateful for these people in my meditation and prayer time, but I wanted to write it down so that I can always come back to this and read it, and I want these people to know how grateful I am for them!

Tiffany: I am grateful for the way that you support me through meaningful conversation and words of affirmation. You give me the space to be honest and vulnerable and you always encourage me in the process.

Kayleigh: I am grateful for your acts of service and the ways that you support me behind the scenes. I see your support through the gifts that you give me and the sacrifices that you make for me.

Kelsey F.: I am grateful for the way that you are intentional about making me feel loved and included. You always encourage with your words, your sweet back rubs, and your agreeable self.

Kelsey G: I am grateful for the way that you encourage me to come to kickboxing and to get pedicures with you. You make me more normal and you help me just live!

Zach: I am grateful for our peculiar and deep conversations. I am grateful for the insignificant (yet hilarious) little moments of life that we can share with one another. I am grateful for your transparency, logic, and your perspective.

Collin: I am grateful for your humor and your wit. I am grateful for the way that you invite me to hang out with you and your amazing parents, which always ends up being a memorable time.

Kelcie: I am grateful for how honest and transparent you are around me. You acknowledge the awkward moments of life and you aren't afraid to be unapologetically you.

Brittney: I am grateful for your crazy stories that distract me from my own thoughts and life. I am grateful for your hospitality and the way that you welcome me into your home and family.

Andrew: I am grateful for your optimistic view of life and of people. I am grateful for your energy, your jokes, and your laugh. Thanks for always being so welcoming and nonjudgmental, even when I say terrible things (you know what I'm talking about, haha).

Lauren K: I am grateful for your courage and the way that you challenge me. I am grateful for your family and the way that you have welcomed me into your family. I am grateful that you are always seeking truth and ways to better yourself.

Stephen: I am grateful for your honesty and your love for all things Beyonce. I am grateful for your laugh and your dance moves and your incredible taste in music.

Nicki: I am grateful for your humor and your energy. I am grateful for your loyalty and the way that you always will stick up for me. I am grateful for your perspective and the way that you always support me with your words and actions.

Allison: I am grateful for your hilarious stories about your students. I am grateful for your efficiency and your intelligence. I am grateful for the way that you make me feel comfortable at work.

Lynn: I am grateful for the countless ways that you have saved me in times of crisis. Thank you for always be willing to get down and dirty to help me with my car troubles.

Wendy: I am grateful for your humor, laugh, and sarcasm. I am grateful for the way that you always stay true to yourself, and the way that you never take yourself too seriously.

Lauren L: I am grateful for your positivity and your intent to always see the good in people. You always keep a positive outlook on even the toughest situations, and that is inspiring.

Kayla: I am grateful for your transparency and your crazy stories. I am grateful for your talents and your intelligence that you bring to your job and our team.

It is truly amazing to write all of this down and to remind myself that I am loved and accepted here, a place that I would have thought that I would consider home. In the past, it has been much easier to be grateful for my friends and family who are not physically with me. They have always been a support system no matter where I am. But it's important for me to be presently grateful for the people who are with me here. I have so many reasons to be grateful; in fact, it was difficult to restrain myself and only write a few sentences for each person.

All I can say is: Wow. Thank you. I am home.

Touching the center of my pain

"As long as we’re caught up in always looking for certainty and happiness, rather than honoring the taste and smell and quality of exactly what is happening, as long as we’re always running away from discomfort, we’re going to be caught in a cycle of unhappiness and disappointment, and we will feel weaker and weaker. This way of seeing helps us to develop inner strength. And what’s especially encouraging is the view that inner strength is available to us at just the moment when we think we’ve hit the bottom, when things are at their worst.  

Instead of asking ourselves, 'How can I find security and happiness?' we could ask ourselves, 'Can I touch the center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace-disappointment in all its many forms-and let it open me?' This is the trick." - Pema Chodron

I know that I haven't updated in awhile, but it's not because I have forgotten. I didn't think I was ready until now to reflect on some of the things that I have been going through over the past few weeks. This quote captures what I've been trying to do, touching the center of my pain. It's been uncomfortable, intimidating, and difficult, but I know it's what I have to do in order to be healed and renewed. 

I have been doing a lot of work in therapy that has helped me gain perspective, accept where I'm at, and learn how to love myself again. Learning to love oneself is hard and dynamic; loving yourself is not some static, defined process that is always constant. As our lives change, we have to learn how to love ourselves during those changes. One of the things that I have been trying to work on is loving spending time with myself. Living alone and spending so much time with myself has been a challenge, but I am learning how to not focus on what is missing, but rather focus on what opportunities I do have. I am learning what I like to do alone, including sleeping, taking baths, cooking (only sometimes), watching TV, reading, hiking, praying, crying, cleaning, shopping, etc. Being alone doesn't mean I have to feel lonely, and if I am feeling lonely, that is okay. Admitting and accepting my feelings of loneliness have been my most recent obstacle, and I am learning to not feel shameful or guilty because of those feelings. It's okay and natural to feel lonely, and that doesn't make me pathetic. I ultimately know that I am not alone, and that I have my Creator and so many wonderful people near and far that are on my side, that are loving and cheering for me, that are supporting me in whatever way they can. But it's okay if I don't always feel that love at every moment of every day. There will be times when I feel like I am going through life alone, that no one understands my pain, that not enough people love me, etc. I am learning to be patient with myself in this healing process, as healing does not happen in a linear, incremental manner. 

I don't have to run away from my pain or sadness. I will stay present in my ache of loss. I will allow these feelings to open me and strengthen me. I have nothing to fear. I know that while the pain may never completely go away, neither will love. I will always be loved and that's a promise.

I'm living.

"Thankfulness is the deep, contented breath of Peacefulness."

I've never consistently kept up with either a gratitude journal or some other gratitude practice.Sometimes when I hear quotes like this about thankfulness or gratitude I want to roll my eyes and ask "Is gratitude really that transformative?" But every time I take time to verbalize what and who I am grateful for, my perspective does change. In the past, my brother has inspired me to think/speak grateful thoughts for 10 minutes at a time. This is the easiest for me to do when I'm on a walk or a hike. 

At this point in my life, it's been too easy to go down the path of what I don't have or what I'm not experiencing right now, whether that is happiness, fulfillment, particular relationships, security, peace, etc. I sometimes have to force myself to focus on the good things and people in my life. I don't consider myself an overly negative person, but I tend to be overly critical of myself and my life.

To be concrete, there are times when I start doubting why I moved to Atlanta after college. I start to think, Why did I come here? Why did I leave my loved ones in New York and MA? Why would I want to start over when I had such a good thing going in NY? Why did I move to the south? Why wouldn't I stay somewhere where I'm more comfortable? Why would I stay in a place where I don't have that many friends or people who really know me? I could go on and on. I don't have these thoughts every day, but when my life starts to feel stressful or empty or broken, I tend to ask myself these questions over and over again.

This week I decided to challenge these pestering questions by actually answering them head-on. There were a few reasons why I moved here, and I'm not even sure if they're relevant at the moment. What's more relevant is the life that I have started to build down here. 

1. I have a wonderful job where I get to work with the most precious children and the most dedicated, loyal staff. I look forward to going to work every day, and while it's definitely the toughest thing I've ever done, I get to do it with some of the most amazing people I have met in my whole life: my co-workers. My job is meaningful and my day is never dull. I get to be the leader of my third grade team, which is such an honor. I am humbled beyond belief that I get to lead some of the most passionate and trustworthy people.
2. I have met some wonderful people down here, and they love me. They might not know everything about me and they might not know who I was before I became a teacher, but they know me at this phase of my life. They do love me, even in those moments when I'm not sure that I belong here. 
3. I have a great, affordable apartment that is close to my workplace. While it's been a challenge to live alone, I'm learning how to become more emotionally independent. 
4. I have found a great church that I go to regularly, and I get to worship alongside some of my closest friends here. I have recently started attending a community group, into which I have been immediately accepted and welcomed. 
5. I am finally starting to figure out how to have a work/life balance. Now that I'm no longer in grad school, I am able to find more time to do things that are not work-related. It's still an everyday struggle to stop working and to leave work at a reasonable hour, but I'm getting better at it. I have started a new extracurricular activity, kickball, and am trying to figure out what else I could enjoy doing in my free time.

Wow. I have created a life down here, and one that is worth living. These past 2.5 years have definitely been the most difficult years of my life, but they have been more than just hard. They have been beautiful in their own way. I'm learning, growing. Growing pains are real. Sometimes the pain is the only thing that feels real. But wow, I am living life. I'm really doing it.

"Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full, unrestricted, and inspired way." - Pema Chodron