"As long as we’re caught up in always
looking for certainty and happiness, rather than honoring the taste and
smell and quality of exactly what is happening, as long as we’re always
running away from discomfort, we’re going to be caught in a cycle of
unhappiness and disappointment, and we will feel weaker and weaker. This
way of seeing helps us to develop inner strength. And what’s especially
encouraging is the view that inner strength is available to us at just
the moment when we think we’ve hit the bottom, when things are at their
worst.
Instead of asking ourselves, 'How can I
find security and happiness?' we could ask ourselves, 'Can I touch the
center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine,
without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of
loss or disgrace-disappointment in all its many forms-and let it open
me?' This is the trick." - Pema Chodron
I know that I haven't updated in awhile, but it's not because I have forgotten. I didn't think I was ready until now to reflect on some of the things that I have been going through over the past few weeks. This quote captures what I've been trying to do, touching the center of my pain. It's been uncomfortable, intimidating, and difficult, but I know it's what I have to do in order to be healed and renewed.
I have been doing a lot of work in therapy that has helped me gain perspective, accept where I'm at, and learn how to love myself again. Learning to love oneself is hard and dynamic; loving yourself is not some static, defined process that is always constant. As our lives change, we have to learn how to love ourselves during those changes. One of the things that I have been trying to work on is loving spending time with myself. Living alone and spending so much time with myself has been a challenge, but I am learning how to not focus on what is missing, but rather focus on what opportunities I do have. I am learning what I like to do alone, including sleeping, taking baths, cooking (only sometimes), watching TV, reading, hiking, praying, crying, cleaning, shopping, etc. Being alone doesn't mean I have to feel lonely, and if I am feeling lonely, that is okay. Admitting and accepting my feelings of loneliness have been my most recent obstacle, and I am learning to not feel shameful or guilty because of those feelings. It's okay and natural to feel lonely, and that doesn't make me pathetic. I ultimately know that I am not alone, and that I have my Creator and so many wonderful people near and far that are on my side, that are loving and cheering for me, that are supporting me in whatever way they can. But it's okay if I don't always feel that love at every moment of every day. There will be times when I feel like I am going through life alone, that no one understands my pain, that not enough people love me, etc. I am learning to be patient with myself in this healing process, as healing does not happen in a linear, incremental manner.
I don't have to run away from my pain or sadness. I will stay present in my ache of loss. I will allow these feelings to open me and strengthen me. I have nothing to fear. I know that while the pain may never completely go away, neither will love. I will always be loved and that's a promise.
