I'm living.

"Thankfulness is the deep, contented breath of Peacefulness."

I've never consistently kept up with either a gratitude journal or some other gratitude practice.Sometimes when I hear quotes like this about thankfulness or gratitude I want to roll my eyes and ask "Is gratitude really that transformative?" But every time I take time to verbalize what and who I am grateful for, my perspective does change. In the past, my brother has inspired me to think/speak grateful thoughts for 10 minutes at a time. This is the easiest for me to do when I'm on a walk or a hike. 

At this point in my life, it's been too easy to go down the path of what I don't have or what I'm not experiencing right now, whether that is happiness, fulfillment, particular relationships, security, peace, etc. I sometimes have to force myself to focus on the good things and people in my life. I don't consider myself an overly negative person, but I tend to be overly critical of myself and my life.

To be concrete, there are times when I start doubting why I moved to Atlanta after college. I start to think, Why did I come here? Why did I leave my loved ones in New York and MA? Why would I want to start over when I had such a good thing going in NY? Why did I move to the south? Why wouldn't I stay somewhere where I'm more comfortable? Why would I stay in a place where I don't have that many friends or people who really know me? I could go on and on. I don't have these thoughts every day, but when my life starts to feel stressful or empty or broken, I tend to ask myself these questions over and over again.

This week I decided to challenge these pestering questions by actually answering them head-on. There were a few reasons why I moved here, and I'm not even sure if they're relevant at the moment. What's more relevant is the life that I have started to build down here. 

1. I have a wonderful job where I get to work with the most precious children and the most dedicated, loyal staff. I look forward to going to work every day, and while it's definitely the toughest thing I've ever done, I get to do it with some of the most amazing people I have met in my whole life: my co-workers. My job is meaningful and my day is never dull. I get to be the leader of my third grade team, which is such an honor. I am humbled beyond belief that I get to lead some of the most passionate and trustworthy people.
2. I have met some wonderful people down here, and they love me. They might not know everything about me and they might not know who I was before I became a teacher, but they know me at this phase of my life. They do love me, even in those moments when I'm not sure that I belong here. 
3. I have a great, affordable apartment that is close to my workplace. While it's been a challenge to live alone, I'm learning how to become more emotionally independent. 
4. I have found a great church that I go to regularly, and I get to worship alongside some of my closest friends here. I have recently started attending a community group, into which I have been immediately accepted and welcomed. 
5. I am finally starting to figure out how to have a work/life balance. Now that I'm no longer in grad school, I am able to find more time to do things that are not work-related. It's still an everyday struggle to stop working and to leave work at a reasonable hour, but I'm getting better at it. I have started a new extracurricular activity, kickball, and am trying to figure out what else I could enjoy doing in my free time.

Wow. I have created a life down here, and one that is worth living. These past 2.5 years have definitely been the most difficult years of my life, but they have been more than just hard. They have been beautiful in their own way. I'm learning, growing. Growing pains are real. Sometimes the pain is the only thing that feels real. But wow, I am living life. I'm really doing it.

"Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full, unrestricted, and inspired way." - Pema Chodron